The Quiet Pressure Of The Myths Of Motherhood And ADHD

For women with ADHD, motherhood often feels like a never-ending evaluation. One where the criteria are vague, the expectations aren’t fair or reasonable, and which set the stage for feeling inferior. So many of the women I work with describe feeling like they’re already behind before the day even begins. And it’s not because they’re incapable. It’s often because myths of motherhood quietly create pressure that can cause immediate overwhelm and shutdown.

These myths don’t exist in a vacuum. They’re powered by societal messages, reinforced by our immediate environments, and absorbed into our sense of self. When we look closely, we can see how they impact women with ADHD on three levels. The first is the macro level of society. The next is the micro level of family and community, and the third is on an individual level of personal belief and self-worth.

The Macro Level: The Societal and Cultural Blueprint of Motherhood

On the broadest level, all mothers are expected to be a “perfect mother”, something that doesn’t exist. This myth of motherhood looks like being endlessly patient, perfectly organized, and always calm. She is available 24x7x365, always cheerful, and somehow manages to anticipate needs before they’re spoken. The “perfect mother” doesn’t forget appointments or lose track of time. She doesn’t get overstimulated by noise or chaos. She doesn’t need help.

This idealized image of motherhood is deeply rooted in generations of messaging about self-sacrifice, holding the mental load, and emotional labor. It assumes mothers can (and should) multitask with ease, stay calm through everything, and intuitively know what their children need at all times. The problem, of course, is that these expectations don’t reflect reality for anyone, let alone someone with an ADHD brain.

Women with ADHD are navigating executive dysfunction, sensory sensitivities, emotional intensity, and difficulty sustaining attention. These traits become painfully magnified under the pressure of perfectionistic motherhood standards. Yet these traits aren’t flaws. They’re neurological differences. They simply don’t line up with the version of motherhood our society still glorifies.

What’s even more challenging is that major systems (healthcare, workplaces, parenting resources, schools, etc) are still designed around neurotypical functioning. Many women with ADHD are overlooked, undiagnosed, or dismissed until they hit the overwhelm of the perinatal period or early parenthood. And when they struggle, they often blame themselves instead of seeing the unrealistic social script they unconsciously accepted as truth.

In Sari Solden’s book, Women with Attention Deficit Disorder: Embrace Your Differences and Transform Your Life, she talks about how social expectations of women impact the experience of motherhood using a job description called “The Job from Hell: A Woman’s Job Description.“

Woman wanted to coordinate multiple schedules in an unstructured, distracting atmosphere.

Must be able to process great numbers of details quickly and maintain a neat, well-organized environment.  

Must keep track of all important occasions, including social obligations, birthday cards, and thank you notes, as well as be responsible for all subtleties and niceties of life.   

Must be able to choose quickly and easily from a great number of options.  

The Micro Level: Messages from Family, Partners, and Community

Moving a layer closer, the micro level includes the people and spaces we interact with every day. Family, partners, co-workers, parenting groups, religious communities, and social circles all play a role.

This is where the myths of motherhood get repeated in more personal ways. A partner might say, “You just need to get organized.” A family member might comment on the state of your home or your emotional reactions. A parenting group might unintentionally reinforce the idea of perfectionism through expectations of volunteering roles that don’t work with your brain, too many details to remember, and spotless homes.

These interactions, when viewed through the lens of perfectionism, aren’t realistic for neurotypical moms either, but there is a deeper sense of inadequacy for women with ADHD.

Because they mirror lifelong experiences of being misunderstood or judged due to differences that on a micro level weren’t supported. Many women grew up in environments where productivity equaled worthiness, or where emotional intensity was labeled as “too much.” When those messages follow you into motherhood, internalized negative belief systems further undermine your sense of self.

Even well-meaning communities can make ADHD mothers feel like they don’t belong. A PTA meeting full of highly detailed volunteer spreadsheets, or long detailed group chats, can serve as a reminder of what neurotypical moms can do that ADHD moms often find uninteresting, exhausting or impossible.

But micro environments can also be places of repair.

For example, your partner starts learning about ADHD instead of personalizing it, a friend helps you focus on your strengths, or a parenting community embraces the messiness of real life. And, your partner believes in sharing the mental, emotional, and physical load of parenthood.

Small moments like these can counteract years of shame. Now you can give your self the opportunity to focus on your strengths. So you can begin rewriting what you want motherhood to look like for you, based on YOUR own value system, not society’s.

The Individual Level: The Stories We Tell Ourselves

The myth that most women have been modeled is, as a woman everyone else’s needs are more important than hers. As a mother, it is your job to take care of everyone else, all the time, even at your own expense.

Then there are messages that women with ADHD received growing up (if you were late diagnosed or diagnosed but not given support beyond medication) about not trying hard enough, not being consistent enough, not being organized enough.

By the time you enter motherhood you have already internalized these messages as truth. Because throughout your life these messages are constantly being reinforced.

Your thoughts might sound like:

“I should be able to do this.”

“Other moms don’t struggle like this.”

“My child deserves someone more patient.”

“If I were a better mother, I’d have my act together.”

“I just need to push through.”

These beliefs can feel painfully true because ADHD adds another layer that makes motherhood/parenthood more challenging than those without ADHD.

But they’re not truths.

They’re inherited stories shaped by childhood experiences, family messages, and the environments and expectations around us. The individual level is also where healing can begin.

When you start to understand your brain, you can start working with it, instead of against it.

When you realize that needing more external help is not a failure, or that your worth isn’t dependent on productivity, your internal narrative starts to shift. You begin to see the strengths you bring to motherhood like, creativity, attunement, empathy, and deep love.

Rewriting the Narrative

Challenging the myths of motherhood is not about lowering standards or embracing chaos. It’s about telling the truth. It’s about recognizing that the cultural blueprint of motherhood was built without neurodivergent women in mind. And it is deciding we’re not going to keep masking, trying to do things like mothers who don’t have ADHD, and staying in a perpetual state of burnout.

When women with ADHD reject perfectionistic motherhood standards, they give themselves permission to parent in ways that support their mental health. They also model something incredibly powerful for their children, that being human is enough. That mistakes are allowed. That everyone, even a mother, deserves compassion.

Motherhood becomes much more meaningful when it stops being a performance and becomes a relationship again. One built on honesty, flexibility, connection, your strengths, and your own value system instead of impossible expectations.

Here are some other Myths of Motherhood:

MYTH – Breastfeeding is easy.
TRUTH – Breastfeeding is not easy for every person, and you are not failing as mother if you can’t.

MYTH – Having a baby is the happiest time in your life.
TRUTH – Having a baby is the happiest time in your life, AND, one of the hardest, scariest, and anxiety provoking.

MYTH – Every mother automatically feels connected to their baby during pregnancy or immediately after birth.
TRUTH – Some mothers feel connected during pregnancy, or a sense of overwhelming love at birth, AND it is also normal for mothers to need time to get to know their baby to feel fully connected.

Jacqueline V. Cohen is a licensed professional counselor and an ADHD-certified clinical specialist provider specializing in perinatal mental health and adult ADHD. To learn more about her services, you can go to her website. You can also contact her by email.